One Liners
|
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat >minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
|
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine & 'taint enough of it!!
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
22. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
23. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
24. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
27. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
28. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Dixon's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick, and the dead
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
Bumper Stickers
(Actual bumper sticker sightings)
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . . The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!"
"Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"Forget about World Peace. . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home"
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
"Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. --Dorothy."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"
Things To Keep In Mind
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains might fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
The information went data way.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! Press ENTER to continue
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A
woman already knows.
-- Frederick Ryder
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place
-- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
-- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
times; her intelligence, eight times.
-- Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
-- Anonymous
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
-- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow
The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
-- Anonymous
One Liners:
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria - the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz .. like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
More BUMPER STICKERS
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of
choleric humour.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key .
7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.
32. There's no need to fear falling - it's the sudden stop at the bottom that warrants the fear.
33. Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
37 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
All the lights on, and nobody home.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of six-pak.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit Loop shy of full bowl.
One taco short of combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spend on Monday.
By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
Never pass a snow plow on the right.
OXYMORON:
"A rhetorical figure in which an epigrammatic effect is created by the conjunction of incongruous or contradictory terms"
OXYMORONS:
acute dullness · act naturally · Advanced BASIC · airline food · almost exactly · alone together · Amtrak schedule · bittersweet · boring court jester · briefing · British fashion · business ethics · butthead · cafeteria food · calm wind · cardinal sin · casual sex · cheerleading scholarship · childproof · Christian Scientists · civil engineer · clean coal · coal mine safety · computer jock · computer security · clearly ambiguous · clearly confused · clearly misunderstood · comfortably dressed · conservative liberal · conciliation court · constant variable · constructive attitude · corporate conscience · cowardly lion · dangerously safe · deafening silence · definite maybe · deliberately thoughtless · democratic machine · designer jeans · diet ice cream · divorce court · domestic bliss · double solitaire · educational television · effective compassion · essential service · even odds · exact estimate · extensive briefing · extinct life · family vacation · fan fatale · federal budget · fish farm · flexible ethics · found missing · free love · freezer burn · french deodorant · fresh-frozen · friendly fire · friendly takeover · funky white guy · genuine imitation · genuine imitation naughahide · good grief · good shit · government organization · guest host · healthy chocolate · hells angels · holy war · half naked · home office · humanitarian invasion · idiot savant · ill health · industrial park · instant classic · intense apathy · jumbo shrimp · justice rehnquist · larger half · least favorite · legally drunk · light rock · linear curve · liquid gas · lite beer · little giants · living dead · long sleeved t-shirt · loud librarian · managed competition · marital bliss · Microsoft Works · mild interest · mild mannered reporter · military intelligence · minor crisis · minor miracle · misanthropic humanitarian · modern history · moral majority · natural blonde · new classic · New York culture · non-alcoholic beer · non-alcoholic wine · non-dairy creamer · non-working mother · normal deviation · obscene art · old news · only choice · on-time airplane · on-time musical production · on-time train · open secret · original copies · original reprint · oxymoron · paid volunteer · passive aggression · peace offensive · peacekeeper missile · plastic glasses · plastic silverware · player coach · player piano · polite salesman · political science · post feminist · postal service · pretty ugly · private citizen · qualified success · randomly organized · rap music · Reagan Democrat · real potential · religious tolerance · republican party · resident alien · rock opera · rolling stop · rush hour · sad clown · safe sex · sanitary landfill · sanitary sewer · same difference · scheduled spontaneity · scientific belief · second best · sensitive guy · serious musician · seriously funny · silent scream · simply superb · small crowd · socialist market economy · soft rock · software documentation · standard deviation · straight angle · student athlete · study outside · successful suicide · sweet sorrow · sweet tart · synthetic natural gas · Tame cat · taped live · temporary tax increase · terribly enjoyable · terribly pleased · tight slacks · tragic comedy · train schedule · trial separation · turbo diesel · twelve-ounce pound cake · unbiased opinion · uncrowned king · unhappily married · united nations · unsellable stock · unsung hero · vaguely aware · virtual reality · war games · wholesome · working vacation
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Why Coffee is better than a Woman!!!
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get
back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your
throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
Philosopher Jokes
The First Law of Philosophy
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy
They're both wrong.
Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?
R. Abiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Josy, who got it from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would take three.
Whereupon, R. Marshmallow said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two' since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the middle separates the light from the dark.
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
No amount of them can do it, but for an underground antiquities dealer it only takes 5 minutes...
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it confirms the biblical record...
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it dis-confirms the biblical record...(so much for the univocity of the archaeological record, eh?)
How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem...light bulbs give off light (hence the name)...if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)
consider the age-old question: If a tree falls in a
forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?
This question was posed by philosophers of antiquity, and there is
still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But ask a scientist the same question, and he'll go off for short
while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've
solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the generalcase"!
A penny saved is just another darn thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away
Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller
Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do Iraquians carry shit in their wallets ?
A. For identification.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the queer get fired from the job at the spermbank ?
A. He was caught drinking on the job ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you get four queers on a barstool ?
A. Turn it upsidedown ...
-------------------------------------
Q. What do elephants use for tampoons ?
A. Sheep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you say "fuck off" in jewish ?
A. "Trust me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Whats the definition of jewish foreplay ?
A. Two hours of begging.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you do in case of fallout ?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ?
A. Slow natives.
Q. Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza ?
A. Pizzas don't scream in the oven.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do Jews have such big noses ?
A. Air is free ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain ?
A. Gifted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do women have two holes so close together ?
A. In case you miss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a beautiful girl in poland ?
A. A tourist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ?
A. 100 way to wok your dog.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Whats the ultimate rejection ?
A. Your hand falling asleep while your having a wank.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you know when the barman is really pissed off ?
A. When you find a string in your bloody mary.
-------------------------
Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the homesexual leave home ?
A. He didn't like the way he was being reared.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only bad thing about the '69' position ?
A. The view.
--------------
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
What should you do when a musician comes to your door?
Pay him and take your pizza.
They found another Hale-Bopp suicide.
A Polish guy was dead under the sink, behind the Comet.
Cool Facts
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
All porcupines float in water.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Cats' urine glows under a black light.
There are coffee flavored PEZ.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
"Hang On Snoopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this@ home!)
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula"--and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Answering Machine Messages 8/13/98
Actual Answering Machine Messages (as recorded by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers)
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
Why did the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
Why did God give men a penis?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here."
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
Why do women have breasts?
So men would talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How can a woman tell she's flat chested?
She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's' body, except his own.
Why did the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
What's the difference between "Ooooh!" and "Aaahhhh!"?
About four inches.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A.?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A: A handful of sheet.
Did you hear Pink Floyd remade one of their songs in memory of Lady Di, much like Elton John did?
It's called "Another Brit. in the Wall."
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Would software developers be decoded, deprogrammed, or just exposed?
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked, in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
When shooting a mime, do you need a silencer?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
A day without sun shine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Dyslexics of the world, untie.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
LAWS OF WORK
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
(Don't shoot the messenger on some of these, there a some VERY tastleless jokes in todays addition.)
Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q: What was Susan Smith's main defense?
A: She thought she was taking her kids to see Water world.
Q: What is a pedophile definition of a perfect 10?
A: Two five-year-old boys.
Q: Why is a pedophile like the turtle?
A: 'Cuz he got there before the hare.
Q: How can you tell your kid is being molested at his daycare center?
A: He won't stop crying unless you put a pacifier in his asshole.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: What is David Koresh wearing right now?
A: His best Sunday soot.
Q: What else?
A: Charcoal slacks.
Q: What else?
A: A smoking jacket.
Q: How is Waco like a Snickers bar?
A: Roasted nuts.
Q: What was Princess Diana's favorite musical group?
A: The Crash Test Dummies!
Q: Why didn't Jesus get into MIT?
A: Because he got nailed on his boards.
Q: Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M & Ms?
A: 'Cuz they keep slipping through the holes in his hands!
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You fuck her.
Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
A: A Megasoreass.
Q: What's the worst thing about fucking a 3 year old?
A: Getting the shit off of your clown suit!
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
Q: What's 3 feet tall and gives me head?
A: My son.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating bald pussy?
A: Getting the diaper off!
Q: What do you do when you'r e finished fucking a ten year old girl?
A: Turn her over and pretend she's a ten year old boy!
Q: What's Yellow and blue and sits on the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
A: So it doesn't explode when you butt-fuck it.
Q: What is the mating call of a redhead?
A: "Next"!
Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it!
Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Someone is losing a trailer!
Q: What is better than winning gold at the paraolympics?
A: Walking!
Q: What's the best part about fucking a 10 year old boy up the ass?
A: You get to kill him when you're done.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard that the referee was blowing fowls.
Q: How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A: You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotapuss
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.
Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A. A mugger snatches watches.
Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A. A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.
One sperm to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says, "Relax. We only just passed the tonsils."
Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
A man walks into a bar and demands ashot of whiskey.
The bartender complies and the man takes the shot, puts it down and looks into his shirt pocket. "Another", he says. Once again the bartender gives him a shot, he downs it and then looks into his pocket
"Another" and so on.
This goes on for awhile until the bartender whose curiosity is peaked asks the man
"Sir, why is it that after every drink you look into your pocket".
The man (quite drunk) slurrs in response, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife and when she starts looking good I'll go Home!"
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If olive oil comes from olives,where does baby oil come from?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down,and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, why do they have locks on the doors?
6. Why do they put Braille dots on the dey pads of
the drive-up ATM machine?
7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it
sounds?
8. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
10. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
11. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the
pan?
12. If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on you
headlights, what happens? 13. You know hwo most packages say "open
here"? What should you do if the package says "opn somewhere else"?
14. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15. Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you trasport something by ship it's called cargo?
16. You know that little indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whoe plane out of the same substance?
17. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for and address,you turn the radio down?
18. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
19. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
20. What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane? 21. If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters
fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
22. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
23 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
1000's of Famous & Memorable Quotations