Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlen

Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.

Tom Robbins

I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.

Isaac Asimov

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

Al Capone (1899-1947)

I don't give a damn what color you are so long as you get out there and kill those sonsofbitches in green suits!

George S. Patton, General (1885-1945) , greeting a Negro battalion, April 9, 1945

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

I don't remember anybody's name. How do you think the "dahling" thing got started?

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

James Thurber

Humor is a universal language.

Joel Goodman

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I cannot afford to waste my time making money.

Jean Louis Agassiz

I could be president of Sikorsky for six months before they found me out, but the president would only have my job for six seconds before he'd kill himself.

Walter R. 'Dick' Faull , Test pilot

I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self.

Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

Robert Benchley

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Clarence Darrow , Scopes trial, in 1925.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Galileo Galilei

Hurrah, boys! We've got them!

Geo Custer, General , battle of the Little Big Horn

I always get what I want because I always want what I get.

Tim Bischoff

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.

Anonymous

I am a soldier, I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight.

George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)

How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?

Arthur Conan Doyle, Sir - The Sign of Four

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Martin Mull

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't.

Richard Bach

Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself.

Andrew Carnegie - Epitaph

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

Michael Levine - Lessons at the Halfway Point

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

Anonymous

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

Mae West (1892-1980)

Heresy is another word for freedom of thought.

Graham Greene

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born!

Anonymous

He would make a lovely corpse.

Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

William Congreve (1670-1729)

Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.

Anonymous

His ignorance is encyclopedic.

Abba Eban (1915- )

History is a set of lies agreed upon.

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history.

Clarence Darrow

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely when they have exhausted all other alternatives.

Abba Eban (1915- )

Hold the fort, for I am coming.

Philip Bliss

Honesty is the best policy; but he who is governed by that maxim is not an honest man.

Richard Whately , Archbishop of Dublin

Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.

Laurens van der Post

I am indebted to the cat for a particular kind of honorable deceit, for a greater control over myself, for a characteristic aversion to brutal sounds, and for the need to keep silent for long periods of time.

Colette

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I am responsible only to God and history.

Francisco Franco

I am the emperor, and I want dumplings.

Ferdinand I

I am... a mushroom, On whom the dew of heaven drops now and then.

John Ford , movie director

I bear a charmed life.

William Shakespeare - Macbeth

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.

G. K. Chesterton

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature

Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)