Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to
inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancée ~
W. C . Fields
Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.~
W. C . Fields
Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.~ W.
C . Fields
After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.~
W. C . Fields
Children should neither be seen nor heard from -- ever again.~
W. C . Fields
I was married once -- in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years.
The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate.
There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.~
W. C . Fields
Here lies W.C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
in Vanity Fair (1925) - his suggested epitaph for himself
~ W. C . Fields
I always keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I
also keep handy. ~ W. C . Fieldsin Corey Ford - "Time of Laughter" (1970)
Never give a sucker an even break.
in Collier's 28 November 1925 ~ W. C . Field
Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.
in Robert Lewis Taylor - "W.C. Fields: His Follies and
Fortunes"
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first
for seven hours, they always come out tender.~ W. C .
Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.~ W. C . Fields
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.~ W.
C . Fields
I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.~ W. C . Fields
I never met a kid I liked.~ W. C . Fields
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.~ W. C
. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.~ W.
C . Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. ~
W. C . Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again. Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first
for seven hours, they always come out tender.
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whittish
fluid they force down helpless babies.
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 'My Little Chickadee' (1940 film)
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by
the tail and face the situation.
There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a
secret desire to boot a child in the ass.
Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.
Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
want to own one.
You can't cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the
first place.
Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against. in Robert Lewis Taylor - "W.C. Fields: His Follies and
Fortunes"
Last week I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. in Richard J. Anobile - "Godfrey Daniels It was W.C. Fields' catch-phrase, and he is said to have used it in the
musical comedy 'Poppy' (1923), although it does not occur in the libretto.
It was used as the title of a W.C. Fields film in 1941.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. in Richard J. Anobile - "Flasks of Fields" (1972) 'Never Give a Sucker an Even Break' (1941 film)
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. in William K. Everson - "Art of W.C. Fields" (1968) 'You can't cheat an honest man' (1939 film)
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again. Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
I like children. If they're properly cooked.
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the
McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
...more people are driven insane through religius hysteria than by drinking
alcohol.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the
tail and face the situation.
